I'm still in Repair

ya, I'm scared. I don't know why but, when it comes to love, I always failed. Never once did I succeeded when it comes to having a long term relationship. It sometimes never even lasted a month. I'm just afraid... afraid to get hurt again...

I admired my friends who get along so well with their boyfriends... especially when there are wedding occasions. I stare at them smiling happily at each other looking forward for their wonderful life chapter together. My father told me that I should only get married when I turn to the age of 25 & above. I wonder sometimes if there is anybody out there for me. But, it's all in the hands of God, He will decide it for me. So, i'll just wait for the-ONE.

My heart still needs time in fixing up all the heartaches that has happened to me. Even though there is someone who likes me right now, or maybe obsessed with me, but, I can't accept him. He's not the one. Even when I look at him at first glance, he doesn't have any strong connection between me. (sigh). It's just that the memories of the past haunts me. I just got dumped just like that-I never even talked to him about it. That is why, this leads to my fear of starting to love someone again... 

Anyways, in class today, our lecturer for the day, asked us to do some sort of a debate like forum. One of the group touched on the title-what is love? One of my friend, explained on a term where she talked about forbidden love. She is still fighting to get back in good terms with the guy, who, is from a different religion. Her parents never allowed her to be with him. So, now, she had to make a choice in between choosing the person she loved and leave her parents, or, to follow her parents advice and leave the person she loved for good. That was a very tough question to handle. She started crying right after...

As soon as she finished, our lecturer started telling her story about how she was abused before...and how she also had the experience of forbidden love. She loved that guy very much, and yet, she left him because of her parent's wish. And you know what? that guy never married anyone up until now! I was shocked and touched at the same time. How I wish my ex-boyfriend was like that. But I know it is quite impossible... 

Oh well, I'm still waiting for the day... that's all for today. 

I'm Kinda missing...

I think my emotions are really messed up these days. I never understand the fact why all of this happened, but, maybe I was telling myself to just grow up and think things through. I have these feelings where sometimes, I just didn't know what to do. And I'm kinda missing-HOME.

I know there will be a holiday soon, but, It seems like I just couldn't wait any longer. I missed my home so much. Now that only my grandmama had passed on, the only person that is left at home is my mom and my sister. I wish I could be there with them right now. Because so many things had happened recently, and I couldn't go to sleep every night without able to talk to them. Just hearing their happy voice makes me overjoyed.

Well, there's two more weeks to go, before the holidays and exams of course. I have to made up my mind in studying more harder and get the grades that I wish my family would be proud of. And of course, my friendship with that girl seems to be cut off. She herself chose another friend rather than me. It's ok, I mean, she has the right to choose her friend, so, I wouldn't even bother to talk to her now. These events haunts me every time I look at her. But, I made up my mind... JUST LET IT BE.  

What is going on...??

It hurts...

 I feel like crying all over again. Why does she has to hurt my feelings like this?! What have I done wrong in this friendship? 


  I always thought that our friendship would last for a long time. I thought that we were special friends. We shared a lot of things together. She just suddenly changed for no reason. I couldn't face a friend like that. Recently, she kept talking about abrupt stuff, and she wasn't like that before. She started to stay far away from me...and also the others. I couldn't look at her because I know she will say something and it always struck me. She always hurt my feelings, but, deep inside I always forgave her and I try to forget about what she has said.

 

  I used to give her advice when she needed me. But, I guess this is how she will repay me. She started to look for other people, and I didn't even say a word about it. Deep inside, my heart was in agony along with the pain of losing my grandmama. It's just too hard to say...


  But, I accepted the fact if she really does hate me, then so be it. I will try to find my own way in mending back this friendship, which is very precious to me... All I want to say is that I'm-

 

I'm so sorry, grandmama...

I hate this part when it comes to life-death of a loved one...

  It was a still and sunny afternoon, It was Chap Goh Mei holiday that day. I went out to order some takeout. I got bored of eating the same food at the cafeteria. I head out along with Nes, my friend. As soon as we reached the restaurant, I got this sort of weird feeling that something is just not right. Then it hit me-grandmama. Early in the morning, I got a call from my mom saying that grandmama will be leaving us soon, and that she has only a few short breaths to live. I got worried and I patiently waited for my parents call. After I finished my meal, my phone vibrated. I hesitated a little...

  "Hello?"... it was my little sis. "Grandma had just took her last breath...the doctor confirmed her death. it was on 12p.m.". I shook a little. All I could say was "Oh...". And that's it. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to react...I just can't cry since Nes was around. After that we went back to our dorms. I thought about the old memories that I spent with my grandmama. Her laughter, her strict face, her smile... even though I didn't get to spend much of my time with her, I felt relieved because she finally isn't suffering anymore and is happy now. I suddenly remembered the japanese song she used to sang when I was young. So, I called my parents and I sang it to my parents. I missed her and my family so much...

  Then, I wrote a letter. Here's how it read-

A Granddaughter’s Wish

Dear Grandmama,

        I’m sorry grandmamma for I cannot come and visit you for the past few days or maybe weeks. Since I couldn’t be at your funeral, so, I have prepared this letter as a token of not spending the last few moments with you and I wish you could listen to your son who is going to read this letter. This is my wish to you-grandmama.

        This was the first time I wrote such an emotional letter. Even though it’s not handwritten, but, the fact was I still cried. Though you are not here, but I know you are listening. Grandma, you have showed me a thousand wonders in this world, even though I never took those words seriously last time, but, now, I regretted the fact that when I knew you were right-you just weren’t there anymore. Yet, I listened and followed my heart in knowing what to do and who I want to be.

        I don’t have that much of a wish but I hope that you will grant this wish of mine and I hope I’m not too hesitant. I bet three is enough, right? Ok, I wish that my family would grow stronger than ever. I want their bond to never break and that it will last forever. I missed the moments when we were still young and lively. It’s been quite a long time since we as a family enjoyed Chinese new year together as a family in that house in Tenom. All I hear right now are family issues that occurred in the family. What about the last time? So, grandmamma, please grant us the strength to move forward and be one again-as a one big Kok family.

       Secondly, I wished that those who had taken good care of you in the past few years, had been blessed for what they had done. I also want you to be happy up there grandma, and be the first star to shine every night. I know this is a bit too much and it sounds quite like a stupid fairytale, but, I myself believed in them and I hoped that it will happen. Grandmama, please be at peace and shine as bright as the star at night.

        Last but not least-this is my last and final wish. I hope that no matter what happens-you will always be there…with us. And we always stick together as one big family.

        Grandmamma, I missed you, and I remembered the Japanese song you used to sing to us and make us all laugh. Your jokes, your stories, had bought people to favor in you. Thanks for all the memories you had given us, and thanks for all the wonderful patchwork you had done on the pillow cases, blankets etc. I hope I can be like you someday. I’m sorry if sometimes I got angry with you for spitting on the floor, and I’m sorry I got angry at you when you shouted non-stop from morning till night…hey, you are happy now, so I’m glad.

        For all the listeners, thanks for being great listeners and sorry I couldn’t be there. I hope you are strong and endure this life. Life is full of tough choices, and no denying life is about-letting go. But, you will keep all these memories deep down inside your heart and cherish it forever. Framed it and never throw it away.

        All right, I will end this letter here. May her soul R.I.P. Thank you everyone and my deepest condolences to your lost.

Yours sincerely,

Nicole

so to sum it all up...